all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
