1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
