so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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