Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
