I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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