I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
