New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
