oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
