here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
