i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I need to calm my uterus...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
