3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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