At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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