You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
