The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize