its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
