Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
