maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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