I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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