Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
