At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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