I looked at my own cervix.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize