he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
