The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
