The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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