She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
