How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
