I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
