Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
