Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
