Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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