I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
