He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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