Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
