my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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