bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize