it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
