It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
