would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize