i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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