I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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