Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
