Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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