I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
