I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
