u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Randomize
