she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
