i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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