Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
