Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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