I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
