i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
