so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
