The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
