I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
