The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
