I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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