My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
