apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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