They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
