he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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